On Being Patient

I’m too impatient. I’m always in this nonsensical rush where everything is a race and I’m on the losing end, so I rush again to compensate not being on the damn finish line.

I’m slowly transgressing my odd ball energy and focus more on what’s matter for me. Taking it slowly, taking more time, more space. I used to be afraid of failing and now that the barrier was lifted, there’s no more filter to stop me from going after what I really want.

I think I have to lose in order for me to realized what’s at stake all along. I think it meant for me to take all these lessons of hurt before I can finally heal and I need to experience this, no matter how redundant it made me feel.

I now know that not everything is permanent, that what we may think our greatest feat are just building blocks for our characters to grow. These hurt, no matter how painful they are now will soon heal and all we need is time. The wounds turns scars, scars turns into beautiful trophy to reminds us that we did it, we surpass whatever insurmountable challenge life has painstakingly thrown at us.

We never really appreciate our resilience in times of crisis because we are so busy immersing ourselves with pity. We have to realize that although not everything has a purpose (and shit do happen for random reason and all-around bad luck) it made us who we are. Flawed we may think we are, we all have rooms for this world.


Thought Experiment: Comfort in my chaos

My sister told me I’m directionless. Ahaha it’s weird because I am so calm about it but to be honest, I feel like exploding.

There’s too much explosion in my heart lately. The bad ones where there’s no butterflies in your stomach but acid flaying the inner linings of your gut. Morbid visualisation but an exact representation.

I don’t want to be upset or angry. It’s like I am in this loop of some viral video where I am the main character that tells people I hate drama but I self-imposed the drama to myself. And everyone just rolls their eyes because it’s true. We know a person like that in our life.

I do hope I am not THAT person in my life.

Was I overreacting? Do I just have to accept that people have opinions (obviously) and their opinions differs from mine but it doesn’t mean it will validate my existence and that their truth shouldn’t be my truth because I’m a grow-ass woman who already knows her worth? Wait, what?

I know she just wants the best for me. People always say that after every hurtful words probably because it lessen the impact of it.

Maybe I am. Directionless, you know.

What direction was I supposed to take? What journey, what struggles must I endure before all of it is enough and finally people can accept me again and pat me in the back like I did a good job?

It’s comforting to know how I am not alone on this. That my worthlessness is shared by millions. That my struggles are also the struggles of some. It’s not because of some twisted misery loves company campaign but more on the shared connectedness of all thing.

It makes me feel less alone knowing somewhere, someone is having the same kind of struggle as me. And if that someone can endure it, so can I.

Until then,

1:00 AM Ramblings

I think I’ve over stretch the patience of the people around me. I mean, I know I don’t have to justify my decision to just take a break after all the things I’ve been through. I’m probably too proud, but I feel so little.

The words: unmarried, no direction kinda gets old pretty quickly. It gets to me somehow no matter how hard I fight it. It creeps on my mind, crawling to my inside. Poisoning me. Slithering, gliding, and writhing to my skin until it reach ever part of my being. Immobilizing me with fear.

I just recently read a book about unhappiness. That the reason why people can’t find happiness because we think it can be worked for and earned and achieved. That as long as we work for our goals in life, we can be happy. Just finish your school, start a family, find a career you love etc etc the list goes on and so is the distant between you and happiness.

How easy it will be if that’s the case right? To be able to box yourself in little categories and just check those that aligns better with society. If not, uncheck it and try again.

We condemn people for trying and we condemn people for not trying. We condemn people for not trying enough.

We call those quitters; losers, cowards, leeches. Maybe because we can’t fathom how easy people give up on something they used to be so passionate before.

Maybe I am a quitter. I quit life way early. I never like what I’m doing. I never like how it is turning me into something I am not. So I quit. It made me unhappy and everything was just noise for me.

I’m slowly getting back on my feet. Picking the shard, the tiny pieces that seems to go on forever. It will take me some time, this getting back on my feet thing. Not because I’m lazy or anything, but because for the first time in my life, I like how the silence around me is not closing in me anymore. It’s no longer suffocating me. It feels more welcoming. Like I am finally at peace with my own self.

First Impression: The Beauty Bakery

Up close and personal feat skin 😂🙈

I pretty much won the lottery genes (sorry, it’s my ego talking lmao). Hear me out first, ahaha I feel like I should explain before claiming something so ugh, vain.

I have fast metabolism so I don’t gain weight easily. In our family, we die of old age (I hope THAT gene is successful pass unto me if that’s even possible). My grandma, blessed her soul, died at 101 years old. She smokes and drink so I dunno. We just claim this to better ourselves. I actually feel reluctant saying that. Lolz

Moving forward with my unnecessary introduction, skin care wasn’t an important factor to my routine. Hence, the ambiguous title. Until recently, when I started having breakouts. So much for having good freaking genes, amirite 💆

This is why I started using skin care products and finding those Holy Grails that fits to my skin perfectly. Me wants baby skin to my face! Lolz

It’s hard and expensive and sometimes even if you do the tedious 10 step Korean Skin Care, it still doesn’t work.

I’m still in the process of finding the right routine that works for me best. I like them affordable and minimal. I have no time (or money) to be buying those expensive products.

The Beauty Bakery

I recently discovered The Beauty Bakery brand. I’m excited with all the good reviews I’ve been reading so I hope they are right and not sponsored lying shit.

So far, I’ve only use the Facial Cream but I’m loving the texture and the smell. I have the urge to eat it!

I’ll give it two weeks for my skin to fully adjust to the new product.

Wish me luck!

Until then,

Travel Stories: Kindness at bay

I want my blog as my haven, my place on the internet where only strangers are allowed to peek into my brains. I don’t let my friends or family read it. I rather not to, I’m more comfortable letting it steep like a tea on a warm Sunday brunch.

Pour my hearts out, cover, and infuse to taste.

Tea + Avocado Toast

I’m becoming more comfortable in writing, in letting my voice float away. Running down the hills, off to a place where I can express my truths. Not being influenced by people and their own version of veracity.

Last week, we went to this incredible beautiful island called, Caramoan.

The clear waters of Caramoan Island

The incredible beautiful island of Caramoan; its cerulean waters kissing the white pristine sand. It makes you gaze the wonders of nature, how alive it is and how alive it makes you feel. It’s one of those days that you want to think. Let your mind wander and your eyes feast the perfection of nature. Be one with the universe you tried so hard to fight. Is this me – getting older, trying to be wiser? Nonetheless, I love it. I find solace in placing my words out there. My own way of making sense to this chaos.

I think I tend to underestimate my capacity to be willful. I used to be one of those “yes people”. I like being helpful but I don’t know my own limits. I get drained. I don’t know the boundaries between being kind to being indecisive.

There’s a lot of people with bios that reeks of steaming pile of hypocrisy, quoting bible verses and advocating kindness. As if the act of kindness alone is just a matter of oral reprimand and visibility. Perhaps it is, my version of Psychology is watching Crime Suspense and observing people at coffee shops so I’m probably just another know-it all. (I’m aware I’m a know-it all so please hide ya pitchforks, you lousy mobs 😜)

But listen, kindness is best learned by feeling it so we can reproduce it again. I cannot stress this enough, experience the world outside your comfort zone. There are no random acts of kindness – kindness is deliberate and directional. It’s a conscious choice that reveal how we shape our humanity.

I’ve struggled with kindness because there were no positive role models for me growing up. We were focus more on not being hungry than the school of thoughts on how to be human. But like life, everything is a learning process. I used to think that perhaps there was a meanness inside of me. Real as an organ. A living ulcer, gnawing my inside. Eating whatever light left inside of me. I writhe, slither, and glide my way around benevolence. Tasting how it feels: different, but good on my own mouth. It does feels good. To be kinder. To myself and to the universe.

Life Update: Birthdays and Melancholia

So I turn a year older last April 26. It wasn’t a good birthday week. But it turns out great.

~Birthday selfie 🙈

On the eve of my birthday, my friends went all out splurging me with attention and love. Something I’m not equipped with (I’m lame 😝) so it was really touching. I wasn’t expecting anything since the two of them are such busy people and have to travel around my area to meet me. We watch Infinity Wars at the premiere and end up eating at this really quaint little place called – dum roll please: The Wander Space.

At Maginhawa, The Wander Space

Coffee gang!

Selfie with my dear friend, Zhel

I end the day with such high hopes! A complete opposite when I went home. I will be annoying and start blabbering these non-essential events that you probably won’t care, but after having such a good day, I thought no one could ruin it for me. Turns out, I was sort of challenging the universe for that.

The day of my birthday: you know how incredibly ridiculous it is to be melancholic at this certain age. (I turn 25 years old) I wasn’t expecting anything but I was still disappointed.

I end up wasting the whole day watching RuPaul’s Drag Race clips to make me happy.

But by afternoon, someone suprises me with something sweet. He was busy the whole day and can’t leave from work early, so we spend my birthday eating at this luxury buffet called, The Vikings instead.

It was free for me lmao so that instantly made me 100% happier.

All I need in life: books + flowers

If I lay how my week went, my emotions were like the highs and lows of a roller coaster.

Exact representatation

I want to be consistent in maintaining my happiness. I unknowingly put people in pedestal, be that with my friends, or my family. I let people decide my level of joy based on their actions. And that shouldn’t be the case. No one shouldn’t be in charge of our own happiness. I was unfair to them.

I want to practice this gratitude thing and focus more on the positive side.

~Hello 🙉

I have a lot of growing up to do. Twenties are really for exploration and self-discovery. I feel like I’m a blank slate again, ready to carve my way into life and mould my existence. (Ehem, just probably the birthday high writing 😁)

To end my rather uneventful birthday rant/ update, I just want to write (if you are reading this) we will eventually get to know our place in the universe.

Please, have more faith.